Losing You
by CollisionOfYourKiss
Summary: This is a MerDer fanfic, even though I'm not a big fan of the whole MeredithDerek thing. This is my first ever fanfic, so please let me know what you think! Constructive criticism is welcome.


_So he chose her. That is in the past. I have to learn to accept that some things… they're just not meant to be. Life goes on._

Meredith Grey pulled her wavy hair back into a ponytail and walked out of the on call room. She was early, but she liked to get out before it got busy in the morning. Last night had been long, one of the longest nights she had worked in some time, and she had slept only briefly and fitfully. The past few weeks had been hard, and she was just so tired of it all. There was one thing that she had not been able to get off her mind, this one feeling that she had been battling against for what seemed like forever…  
She was in love with Derek Shepherd. Doctor McDreamy. She loved him, and she could no longer attempt to deny it. She was lying to herself to try and ward off her emotions, but it wasn't working at all.  
It had been so hard when he chose his wife Addison over her, and she though she tried to put it behind her, it was impossible to let go.

Meredith walked down the corridor, weary eyes fixed ahead of her, unable to blink back the hot tears that now formed at her lashes. A single tear began to trace its way down her cheek, and she hastily wiped it away. She felt so hopeless.

At once, she was aware of a familiar touch. Derek Shepherd caught her wrist from behind and whispered in her ear, "Meredith… I need to talk to you."

Meredith closed her eyes and forced back her tears. She couldn't afford to break down now. Not here, and not in front of him.

Derek led her down a separate corridor where there were fewer people around.  
"Meredith," he said softly, a subtle smile playing at the corners of his mouth.

Meredith smiled involuntarily, those familiar blue eyes looking upon her face. But she knew that she couldn't keep feeling this way, they could never be together now, and she turned her face, her smile giving way to tears of despair spilling down her face.

"Oh, god. I'm sorry," Meredith sighed, covering her face with her hands. "I'm so damn tired"  
"I know, Meredith, I know," he said quietly, touching her arm. "It's okay"  
A nurse walked by and Derek turned his head. There was an empty on call room just down the corridor.  
"Come on, we need to talk in private"  
Derek shut the door behind them and took Meredith's hand.  
"I miss you," Meredith sighed.  
"I know," he replied softly. "I miss you too. And I… love you. You know I love you, Meredith."  
"But… Addison is…" Meredith trailed off, her feelings of hopelessness changing to frustration and anger. "It's not fair, Derek! How can I trust you not to hurt me again? I can't get over you, I can't, I've tried so hard, but there's no point anymore. I'm so… I'm so sick of all of this!"

Derek looked at her, her eyes blazing with emotion and frustration, and he knew how she felt. He had hated having to act normal and friendly with her when they both knew each other to be hurting inwardly. This whole thing had become more than either of them could take. A single tear slid down from his eyes and he closed them, not wanting to let himself break down.

"I'm so sorry, Meredith," he said. "I'm sorry I hurt you. I have tried to make things work with Addison, I really… I can't do it. I know she deserves better than how I treat her. I don't want to hurt either of you any more than I already have done. I see you every day and I know, all the time, I know I couldn't be with anyone other than you."

He held Meredith in his arms, like he had wanted to hold her ever since he had gone back to Addison. He had made a mistake. He knew it, and he wanted to make it right.

"Derek, we can't. What happens when you have to make a choice? How do I know you won't leave me"  
"I wouldn't. I won't make that mistake again. I promise. I love you…" he broke away from her and looked at her hard. "Meredith… look me in the eyes and tell me you don't love me"  
"You know I do… I love you, Derek, it's a bitch, I can't get rid of it. Believe me, I have tried. I love you. And still… I can't go through all this pain again. I can't fight anymore, Derek, I can't let myself be hurt again. You and Addison and like this perfect couple, she's a great doctor, and she is a hard woman to hate, Derek, you know? You'll want to go back to her. You won't be able to give her up for… for me."

Her kissed her then, unable to hold back his emotions anymore. And in that moment, they both forgot the world around them. They forgot all the problems and the pain, all the obstacles and the hardships and everything that had happened, and it was just like it used to be. In that moment, they forgot it all, and everything was alright because they had each other. But after what seemed like an eternity, they broke apart, and Meredith took a deep breath. She had wanted it to last forever.

"And now? What do you say now? Meredith, please…" Derek whispered to her. Meredith could hear a tone of desperation in his voice as he gazed at her so intensely, watching her eyes for a sign of her answer.  
"I just… I just don't know, Derek. I just don't know if I can handle any more broken promises. I really need to think." Meredith dried the tears that remained and broke away from Derek. It was painful, but she didn't trust herself to make a wise decision there and then. She needed to sit down and think it all over. With one last look back, Meredith Grey left the room and walked away. She loved Derek Shepherd, she always had, but she had been through a lot in the past months. She didn't yet know what the right thing to do was.

In the on call room, Dr. Shepherd sunk into the chair and rested his head against the wall. Silent tears began to spill down his cheeks once more. He was unable to fight off the cruel thought that plagued his mind… _I've lost her forever._


End file.
